It’s been said that swans form monogamous pair bonds as early as 20 months that last for a lifetime. These bonds are supposedly maintained year round, at all costs – it’s very unusual for these bonds to break.
When I was a single girl I had felt loved but had never myself been in love. In my previous relationship I had convinced myself that I felt something on the same level for him as he did for me. But I was skeptical.
My ideals for love were very skewed. To me, love revolved, and included manipulation tactics; lying, secrets, and deceptive behaviour. I felt it imminent to convince the person I was with that I was worth loving. It’s been since that I’ve realized, thanks to the wonderful man in my life now, that it’s necessary to love yourself first before anyone else can do so.
After that duplicitous relationship, when I felt myself ready to ‘find someone new’, I was constantly disappointed and felt lost in all men had to offer me. I had this obsessive compulsion to compare the guys that I would meet to the only guy I knew who had loved me at all. This was discouraging because no matter whom these guys were or what they had to offer, they never seemed to measure up. Not even close.
I was hesitant that with each person I would feel any sort of connection with, that they had met their ‘one true soul-mate’ already; their swan. I truly believed that if they had been in a serious relationship prior to me coming along then it was futile to start anything because it would be inhumane to go against nature’s natural selection.
The thought of every person belonging to only ‘one person’ discouraged me to outsource myself (at the time I was really quite scared to be alone) because I was so sure that I was stuck with the one person who had previously loved me. I was his swan – even though he wasn’t mine. It just so happened that him and I were poison to one another. We’re both good people deep down, we deserve good people, but we didn’t belong together. The thought of settling with him became my utmost priority for the longest time. I used the only strategy I knew how to make us work – manipulation. Needless to say, it failed.
After months of the renowned “on again off again” waltz, we officially separated – without any sort of contact. Though I was devastated, that separation was what I needed to come to enlightenment with myself. I was on my own for seven months before I thought about getting back out there and meeting people. I was still very wary of men and their intentions, but I knew I was finished hurting people.
Then it happened. Miraculously and unintentionally, I met my boyfriend now. By taking it slow and being nothing but honest with him I came to truly trust him. The concept of trust was so foreign and intimidating to me, but his support made me feel safe. He taught me to truly love myself and to accept all of my blemishes – big or small. His faith and love in me is my safety rope. Month after month, coming to learn about his previous relationships and love acquisitions, I never for one moment thought that I wasn’t right for him.
Whether he is my swan and I his is still yet to be determined because my view on love has changed drastically. Before I thought of it as an ideal, a fantasy. Now it’s just a part of who I am and what I have to offer. I feel loved every second of every day and I don’t have the need to fight for it either. No tricks. It’s just a part of my life and though it may be scary to most, it’s the most calming feeling to me.