I feel worried all of a sudden. For no reason. It came out of nowhere. Now my mind is thinking too hard; trying to give me an anxiety attack.

Where does this even come from?

I have no reason to feel this way, I should add. If anything, today I should feel proud of myself. I suppose I do. I really do. There’s just this gradual fanciful feeling creeping up on me that I can’t seem to control. A walk should help.

It’s bad weather here today, but not so terrible where you can visit people.

I felt like I missed out on some tiny things in the last day of the year, something that a lot of people have the opportunity to receive. Things like celebration of a dying year and a kiss to start a new one. I never had those opportunities before and now that I feel as though I could have, I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to but because someone else didn’t.

I convinced myself that it would be made up today. I feel like I’ve been replaced twice in two days because of deja-vu – visiting people, but me. The time is now before things get real crazy and yet, it just didn’t happen. The weather was the issue today – well, partly. The weather never seems to side with me. I’m in tears because I feel guilty for being so upset over something like this and yet I can’t help it. I don’t really want to get into specifics because I’m sure I’ll look back on this and laugh at the insignificance of it – but it’s important to me right now.

I should just sleep.

PS – I’m sure this makes absolutely no sense and it was a waste of time to write. I still feel the same and writing this hasn’t changed a thing.

The In-Between

Sometimes I get this intense feeling that stays with me for days on end. The feeling that I’m never enough and I can never measure up. I feel constantly betrayed while in this sensitive state and nothing can/does bring me out of it. It just passes on its own as though it was never there in the first place. I call it ‘the in-between’.

I’m in-between living and not living. I’m in-between reality and non-reality. Things for me in this particular state always seem stagnant, and yet everything continues on a timeless path. I feel caught between so many emotions and feelings – and yet I don’t experience none of them, only when the in-between passes do I feel the residual feelings. They never stay for very long, but it’s long enough to remind me what should be.

It’s rare that I experience the in-between. I write of this today because it happened this morning. The ever-varying, non-contentment thoughtless reality. Well, not so thoughtless now. I felt so silly all today because I know that I was acting strange and yet I couldn’t help it. I don’t know how to pass the feeling and I don’t know why or when it comes on. I only know afterwards.

It’s progress that I’m recognizing this, yeah? It’s a step in the right direction. A step towards knowing.